I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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