my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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