It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
