This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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