You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
