i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
