this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
