It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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