To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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