Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
