Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Small penises have feelings too.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
