I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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