Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
