i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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