i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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