How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
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My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
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It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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