know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
