i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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