Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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