i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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