OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
