i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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