My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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