Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
