I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
