Have you finally orgasmed yet?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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