I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
