you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
