i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
