i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
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