My cat gives me a boner
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
