She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
