Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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