I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We have started to decorate penises.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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