The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
