dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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