he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
