Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
