how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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