I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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