Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
