Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
