I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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