bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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