she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
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