I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just gargled with NyQuil
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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