i was born a porn star she said
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
