foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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