Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
