WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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