I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
