They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
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I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
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Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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