What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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