we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
