That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
