the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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