Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
