i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
