I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Randomize
